If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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