ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
