Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
