Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
