Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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