You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
