sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
