Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
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I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
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The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.