you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
