Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just found puke in my bra..
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
