I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
