a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
