Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
