my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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