dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
