The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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