Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
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then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
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you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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