Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
