based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
