i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
