Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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