If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
