I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
