I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am available for nakedness
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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