You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
