If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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