things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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