I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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