I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
