I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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