please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
