So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
