I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
