Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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