Me. At least after what I've been through.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
