the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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