I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
