if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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