That's when you crack a 10am beer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
