two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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