best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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