Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was like eating out sand paper
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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