Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
