I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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