come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
