Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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