Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
