He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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