Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize