I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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