Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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