I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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