I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
