At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So many bounce houses so little time
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just had sex on a roof
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
