Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
